I've gone back and forth with reasons whether to keep posting to this blog. As my faithful readers might remember, I have a love-hate relationship with putting my personal thoughts somewhere for everybody to see. But the Lord continues to urge me to return. I don't know for whose benefit. It might just be for my own spiritual walk. But I do hope that for whoever it draws attention, it might bring some insight into a life touched by God's grace.
It's been several months since my last posting. I have since returned state-side and am putting together my new life back in sunny California. I have been reunited with family and friends. I have been encouraged and welcomed by home church. And I have been given the opportunity to return to bits of the ministry life that I left behind. When I was preparing to come home, I knew life would look differently. All of my friends and family had lived a whole year without me around. About 90% of my friends had a baby while I was away, so talk about a lifestyle change! But I knew the change wasn't specific to their lives. I had changed from my experiences and my walk with the Lord. Spending a year abroad stretches a person in ways that can never be expected. My passion for ministry, my love for people, grew so much as my love for my Savior grew. As He drew me closer to Himself, I was drawn closer to His will.
I came back on fire for God's will in my life and itching to get a move on. I wasn't going to be living the same life I had before I left. I couldn't. It was physically and spiritually impossible. I knew God's plan for me was within my grasp, and all I had to do was reach out and run for the hills. I remember relaying to friends how much motivation I had to understand God's will and direction for my life. But as many have already learned, God is never through with teaching us more about how to walk the Christian life. I have been in the middle of a training period for the last several months. The lesson to learn: How to Wait.
I can best describe my feelings as this. Imagine an olympic runner at the start of a race. Their toes are on the line. All their nerves and muscles are twitching, standing at attention. Now just imagine the moment they hear that gun go off. Exhilaration courses through their body and their muscles contract expecting to be surged forward by adrenaline. But instead of running free down the track someone holds on to their jersey preventing them from lunging forward. All their will power is focused on the goal, the finish line ahead, but they are called to WAIT. Sounds frustrating, doesn't it? Let me tell you, it's a whole lot more frustrating to live through it.
I got back, reading to hit the ground running. The trip abroad was all I hoped it to be; all I needed it to be. It was full of new experiences and growth. It was vigorous and unrelenting at times. But in my weakness, God was shown strong. And now I felt ready to surge ahead with God's direction for my life. But God held tight to my jersey. I had to find a job. I had to find a place to live. I had to discover God's new plan for ministry in my new life. I wanted to try out new things, but at the same time indulge in the life that I had been away from for so long. I felt torn in two different directions. But I knew my passion for ministry was where God was taking me. But where to go? Where to work? Where to live? I could easily pick up my life where I left it over a year ago. But I knew that was not the answer. But until God gave me direction I was stationary.
For months I searched and searched for jobs, for opportunities to serve. I prayed God would provide me with the right opportunity that would give me direction on where to go. Finally, after exhausting all my resources, I turned to the Lord with this simple prayer. "God, I know you have a plan for my future. I am ready and willing to go wherever it is you might take me. I have been desperately trying to find that direction so I can move forward, but obviously my timing is not in-line with Your own. I therefore secede all of my efforts to You. Your timing is perfect, and your desires are pure. Make them my own. If I can't find a job by my own efforts, then you will have to provide one for me." I'm sure I don't have to tell you that once I let go of my own timeline, God was free to put His own together. Within a week I had an interview with a ministry called Joni and Friends. Within another week I had secured a job.
I didn't think I would end up here. Once again, this ministry was farthest from my mind, but God has brought me to JAF. He has moved me out to Newbury Park, where I have the privilege of living with my 90 year old Grandpa. God has once again filled my life with joy in His purpose. I'm still waiting on the Lord. I am reveling in this new step in direction, but I don't have the whole picture yet. God likes to give us pieces of the puzzle to keep us dependent on Him. And now that I think about it, God has fulfilled a prayer of mine from the last year. I have prayed that I would continue to be dependent on His guidance even when faced with my own confident direction. Living within my comfort zone, I tend to get lazy, and my walk with the Lord becomes half hearted. It has been my prayer for a long time that I would look to God for guidance even when I am tempted with the urge to take control. When the Lord gives me pieces of answers at a time, He keeps me on my toes. He lovingly pulls on that jersey and whispers, "Wait on ME. I know what I'm doing."
Acts 1:7 [Jesus] said to them (the apostles), 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed for His own authority.'
It's been several months since my last posting. I have since returned state-side and am putting together my new life back in sunny California. I have been reunited with family and friends. I have been encouraged and welcomed by home church. And I have been given the opportunity to return to bits of the ministry life that I left behind. When I was preparing to come home, I knew life would look differently. All of my friends and family had lived a whole year without me around. About 90% of my friends had a baby while I was away, so talk about a lifestyle change! But I knew the change wasn't specific to their lives. I had changed from my experiences and my walk with the Lord. Spending a year abroad stretches a person in ways that can never be expected. My passion for ministry, my love for people, grew so much as my love for my Savior grew. As He drew me closer to Himself, I was drawn closer to His will.
I came back on fire for God's will in my life and itching to get a move on. I wasn't going to be living the same life I had before I left. I couldn't. It was physically and spiritually impossible. I knew God's plan for me was within my grasp, and all I had to do was reach out and run for the hills. I remember relaying to friends how much motivation I had to understand God's will and direction for my life. But as many have already learned, God is never through with teaching us more about how to walk the Christian life. I have been in the middle of a training period for the last several months. The lesson to learn: How to Wait.
I can best describe my feelings as this. Imagine an olympic runner at the start of a race. Their toes are on the line. All their nerves and muscles are twitching, standing at attention. Now just imagine the moment they hear that gun go off. Exhilaration courses through their body and their muscles contract expecting to be surged forward by adrenaline. But instead of running free down the track someone holds on to their jersey preventing them from lunging forward. All their will power is focused on the goal, the finish line ahead, but they are called to WAIT. Sounds frustrating, doesn't it? Let me tell you, it's a whole lot more frustrating to live through it.
I got back, reading to hit the ground running. The trip abroad was all I hoped it to be; all I needed it to be. It was full of new experiences and growth. It was vigorous and unrelenting at times. But in my weakness, God was shown strong. And now I felt ready to surge ahead with God's direction for my life. But God held tight to my jersey. I had to find a job. I had to find a place to live. I had to discover God's new plan for ministry in my new life. I wanted to try out new things, but at the same time indulge in the life that I had been away from for so long. I felt torn in two different directions. But I knew my passion for ministry was where God was taking me. But where to go? Where to work? Where to live? I could easily pick up my life where I left it over a year ago. But I knew that was not the answer. But until God gave me direction I was stationary.
For months I searched and searched for jobs, for opportunities to serve. I prayed God would provide me with the right opportunity that would give me direction on where to go. Finally, after exhausting all my resources, I turned to the Lord with this simple prayer. "God, I know you have a plan for my future. I am ready and willing to go wherever it is you might take me. I have been desperately trying to find that direction so I can move forward, but obviously my timing is not in-line with Your own. I therefore secede all of my efforts to You. Your timing is perfect, and your desires are pure. Make them my own. If I can't find a job by my own efforts, then you will have to provide one for me." I'm sure I don't have to tell you that once I let go of my own timeline, God was free to put His own together. Within a week I had an interview with a ministry called Joni and Friends. Within another week I had secured a job.
I didn't think I would end up here. Once again, this ministry was farthest from my mind, but God has brought me to JAF. He has moved me out to Newbury Park, where I have the privilege of living with my 90 year old Grandpa. God has once again filled my life with joy in His purpose. I'm still waiting on the Lord. I am reveling in this new step in direction, but I don't have the whole picture yet. God likes to give us pieces of the puzzle to keep us dependent on Him. And now that I think about it, God has fulfilled a prayer of mine from the last year. I have prayed that I would continue to be dependent on His guidance even when faced with my own confident direction. Living within my comfort zone, I tend to get lazy, and my walk with the Lord becomes half hearted. It has been my prayer for a long time that I would look to God for guidance even when I am tempted with the urge to take control. When the Lord gives me pieces of answers at a time, He keeps me on my toes. He lovingly pulls on that jersey and whispers, "Wait on ME. I know what I'm doing."
Acts 1:7 [Jesus] said to them (the apostles), 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed for His own authority.'
