Waiting: A Lesson in Progress

I've gone back and forth with reasons whether to keep posting to this blog. As my faithful readers might remember, I have a love-hate relationship with putting my personal thoughts somewhere for everybody to see. But the Lord continues to urge me to return. I don't know for whose benefit. It might just be for my own spiritual walk. But I do hope that for whoever it draws attention, it might bring some insight into a life touched by God's grace.

It's been several months since my last posting. I have since returned state-side and am putting together my new life back in sunny California. I have been reunited with family and friends. I have been encouraged and welcomed by home church. And I have been given the opportunity to return to bits of the ministry life that I left behind. When I was preparing to come home, I knew life would look differently. All of my friends and family had lived a whole year without me around. About 90% of my friends had a baby while I was away, so talk about a lifestyle change! But I knew the change wasn't specific to their lives. I had changed from my experiences and my walk with the Lord. Spending a year abroad stretches a person in ways that can never be expected. My passion for ministry, my love for people, grew so much as my love for my Savior grew. As He drew me closer to Himself, I was drawn closer to His will.

I came back on fire for God's will in my life and itching to get a move on. I wasn't going to be living the same life I had before I left. I couldn't. It was physically and spiritually impossible. I knew God's plan for me was within my grasp, and all I had to do was reach out and run for the hills. I remember relaying to friends how much motivation I had to understand God's will and direction for my life. But as many have already learned, God is never through with teaching us more about how to walk the Christian life. I have been in the middle of a training period for the last several months. The lesson to learn: How to Wait.

I can best describe my feelings as this. Imagine an olympic runner at the start of a race. Their toes are on the line. All their nerves and muscles are twitching, standing at attention. Now just imagine the moment they hear that gun go off. Exhilaration courses through their body and their muscles contract expecting to be surged forward by adrenaline. But instead of running free down the track someone holds on to their jersey preventing them from lunging forward. All their will power is focused on the goal, the finish line ahead, but they are called to WAIT. Sounds frustrating, doesn't it? Let me tell you, it's a whole lot more frustrating to live through it.

I got back, reading to hit the ground running. The trip abroad was all I hoped it to be; all I needed it to be. It was full of new experiences and growth. It was vigorous and unrelenting at times. But in my weakness, God was shown strong. And now I felt ready to surge ahead with God's direction for my life. But God held tight to my jersey. I had to find a job. I had to find a place to live. I had to discover God's new plan for ministry in my new life. I wanted to try out new things, but at the same time indulge in the life that I had been away from for so long. I felt torn in two different directions. But I knew my passion for ministry was where God was taking me. But where to go? Where to work? Where to live? I could easily pick up my life where I left it over a year ago. But I knew that was not the answer. But until God gave me direction I was stationary.

For months I searched and searched for jobs, for opportunities to serve. I prayed God would provide me with the right opportunity that would give me direction on where to go. Finally, after exhausting all my resources, I turned to the Lord with this simple prayer. "God, I know you have a plan for my future. I am ready and willing to go wherever it is you might take me. I have been desperately trying to find that direction so I can move forward, but obviously my timing is not in-line with Your own. I therefore secede all of my efforts to You. Your timing is perfect, and your desires are pure. Make them my own. If I can't find a job by my own efforts, then you will have to provide one for me." I'm sure I don't have to tell you that once I let go of my own timeline, God was free to put His own together. Within a week I had an interview with a ministry called Joni and Friends. Within another week I had secured a job.

I didn't think I would end up here. Once again, this ministry was farthest from my mind, but God has brought me to JAF. He has moved me out to Newbury Park, where I have the privilege of living with my 90 year old Grandpa. God has once again filled my life with joy in His purpose. I'm still waiting on the Lord. I am reveling in this new step in direction, but I don't have the whole picture yet. God likes to give us pieces of the puzzle to keep us dependent on Him. And now that I think about it, God has fulfilled a prayer of mine from the last year. I have prayed that I would continue to be dependent on His guidance even when faced with my own confident direction. Living within my comfort zone, I tend to get lazy, and my walk with the Lord becomes half hearted. It has been my prayer for a long time that I would look to God for guidance even when I am tempted with the urge to take control. When the Lord gives me pieces of answers at a time, He keeps me on my toes. He lovingly pulls on that jersey and whispers, "Wait on ME. I know what I'm doing."

Acts 1:7 [Jesus] said to them (the apostles), 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed for His own authority.'

The Perfect Christian Life?

Do you sometimes come across those people who seem to lead the perfect life? What am I talking about, of course you have. We all have. Different people have different ideas of what the perfect life looks like, but we have all had that longing to live that other person's life. It's so exciting! Or they have an amazing spouse. They can buy the new iPhone 5. They can create a masterpiece with just some glue, string and cardboard. Season tickets, new car, great family, millions of free air miles, fun circle of friends, or my personal favorite, they always seem to have such an intimate relationship with the Lord. Yeah, that's right. I put the ever so cliche spiritual aspect into this post. But I'm just trying to be honest.

I realized some time ago that I was never going to get everything in life that I wanted. I have my own gifts, things I excel in, but I also have imperfections and limitations. Heaven knows that perfect figure only lives in magazines. I'm curvy and I've come to terms with it. When it comes to money or politics, I can only fake intelligence for so long. I'm usually at least a few weeks behind the current news. I can read just fine, but I'm a horrible story teller. I easily get lost when I'm only a few blocks away from home. The only reason I know the sun sets in the West is because I love the beach so much. Things on the top shelf are pretty easy for me to reach, but it becomes awkward when me and my girlfriends want to take that "look at how hot our heels are" pic. I'm no degree of graceful. My complexion can never make up it's mind if it wants to imitate the little Mexican that's in me or the 3/4 of German. I love Christmas music all year round and Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies. If you were to ask my sisters I'm sure they could list off even more imperfections. But please, save me the embarrassment.

But in my short-lived adult life, I have looked longingly on that girl that seems to have it all together. She might not have the best home life. She might not be the prettiest in a group of people and she might not have acquired a doctorate by the time she was 25, but she loves the Lord. You can see it shining on her face every time she posts a picture on Facebook. You can soak up the wisdom from the enriching quotes she takes from her weekly reading. She has passion and desire to serve the Lord in every aspect of her life. She's spread thin from work, ministry, friends and family, but always has time to meet for some encouraging conversation over coffee. HOW DOES SHE DO IT??

I hope you didn't start reading this post hoping to find three steps to a more intimate relationship with the Lord. I don't have the answers! This is a blog about my road through life. This happens to be a rocky point that I'm still working through. I'm imperfect in my life and my faith. I struggle to be intimate with my Savior. I don't always see His hand working in my every day activities. I'm self-serving and impatient. Reading my Bible every day is a struggle. My prayer life can be stale and shallow. God gets crammed into a box with superficial expectations to His abilities. "This is how I want you to work in my life." "This is how I want you to bless me."

Are you asking yourself yet, why I have decided to post about my insecurities and weaknesses? Why not post something encouraging? Why not share how God has grown my faith in the last few weeks in the power of service? The answer is because I have been looked on as that girl who seems to have everything in order. It's easy to fake if you've been a Christian long enough. You have all the right responses tucked away in your pockets. You can string some spiritual words together to make a prayer sound genuine in a public setting. But I'm not perfect. Far from it. And I don't want people looking at my life with a false impression. Is God and His work still the most important thing in my life. Absolutely. Am I in danger of questioning my faith. Absolutely NOT. This is just me in it's rawest form. I don't want people just to see the rose colored aspects of my trip. Things have been amazing and faith building, but I still live with my flesh. It's a daily fight to live righteously and walk humbly with my God.

My hope for those who read this post is not to discourage, but to encourage. EVERYONE struggles in their own way. Even the girl who seems to have it all together with a perfect relationship with God. If you were to look close enough you would find those struggles and insecurities. But it's through those fights with the flesh and with sin that makes us who we are before our God. He gives us different strengths and weaknesses. But it's through the fight and struggle that we become more like our Father. We find our strength in His unending grace and His everlasting desire to forgive. If you are struggling today, discouraged that your life isn't all that you want it to be, know that there is another sister in Christ fighting and struggling as well. But the battle isn't lost. God wins in the end! And we have a cloud of witnesses to encourage and keep us fighting. Please, if you have extra time, look on the verses from Hebrews 12:1-2. It has been such an encouragement to me these last few days. And I'm sure you will gain the same encouragement as you gain strength from our Savior. 

A Bit of the Romantic

I know most of the purpose of this blog is to reveal what God is doing in my life, but it also depicts me as a person. I'm a student, a daughter, a friend, a servant, but I'm also a romantic. That side of me doesn't always show its face. I think it sometimes comes off as cliche, but being here in England where so many literary giants began their work brings the cliche into perspective. The cliche is taken from the fantastical to the historical; from imaginary to reality. Sure the literary writing and characters live in the minds of these great writers, but these great writers lived in the land I now inhabit. I can't help but wonder sometimes if the things I'm experiencing here were inspiration for these great authors.

Take for example, the English countryside: green with rolling hills, spotted white from flocks of sheep. Hedges separate the wide fields. Cows graze. Horses run free.  Most of the time, my view of the sun's setting horizon looks more like a painting than reality. And this is where my imagination is encouraged to drink deeply of what could be. This morning I allowed my imagination to run free in the presence of Miss Jane Austen. I know this post has proven to be much different than the rest, but I beg that you readers stay with me as I allow a peak into another part of what makes me, Me.

Journal Excerpt: The passing countryside allows my period drama day-dreaming take full advantage of my consciousness on my way home. It isn't hard to see Elizabeth Bennett walking through the muddy hillside on her way to Netherfield Park. She knows her appearance isn't up to the standards of the Bingley sisters, but her free spirit allows her to have a complacent attitude. She can't wait to see Jane. But she also knows she will have to endure the company of Mr. Darcy, who hasn't proven to be an advantageous friend. Still, she has caught his gaze and felt his eyes on her since their last gathering. It is unnerving, but her curiosity forces her to find out more about him. As she walks along, her thoughts might be broken by the sight of Marianne Dashwood on the crest of a hill staring down on Willaby's estate. Her cheeks are aglow from her climb, which makes her face even more radiant as she stands there imagining her life as the mistress of the fine home only a few feet below. If only she could foresee the tragedy looming ahead. But perhaps it would only kindle her passion as love cannot be warranted without heartbreak. Emma Woodhouse wouldn't be seen outdoors on a day like this. She wouldn't think to tempt her father's anxiety over the chilly weather outside. He would be so unapproving it would break her heart. But I can just see her settled inside the house, next to her father and a nice warm fire, trying to interest herself in the newest novel of her unfinished library of books. I imagine she will soon pick up the puppy drawing she started last week. That is, if Mr. Knightly doesn't grace her with a visitation, which would prove a worthy distraction. 

Unfortunately, I don't know the stories of Persuasion and Mansfield Park as much as I'd like to include them in my imaginary montage. But seeing that all of Miss Austen's heroines had their own sense of frivolity and independence I can only conclude that Fanny Price and Anne Elliote would make some sort of appearance on my train ride home. Northhanger Abbey doesn't even claim a remembrance of character so I'm afraid the heroine of that novel will have to remain concealed in the world of Miss Austen's imaginings. Lucky her.

Reverent Fear: It's a Kick in the Pants

"7By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household." - Hebrews 11

I know I have talked a lot of my love-hate relationship with this blog. But I have come to realize that it's another source of accountability during this journey. And we all know most of our takes on accountability. It's not always welcomed with ease, but it is recognized as a necessity. LOVE-HATE epitomized. 

With that said, this post comes out of humble recognition for my need of accountability. I write to you, friends and family, with the utmost transparency. I have been at a crossroads ever since reaching England. Fighting the urge to become complacent with my surroundings, I often find myself being pulled in two different directions. The comfortable road or the challenging one. After several stretching months of ministry the comfortable road of complacency is hard to resist. I must admit there have been days where I have weakened to this temptation. But God is ever present and continually pushing me to face my challenges. He has been the only constant in my journey. Ever since that day last May when I decided to take this trip, He has been the one pushing me forward. The reverent fear that Noah experienced in the opening verse, I experienced that day on the beach. As I sat on the sand, watching the sun set, I knew out of reverence for my God that I was to travel abroad. 

It is interesting that it was out of my reverence for God that pushed me to my decision. I don't think my love for him was strong enough to serve as my motivation. God had to push me to fear Him; to revere His sovereignty. But that reverence brought even more love for my God, my Provider, my Leader. Through reverent fear Noah saved his household. My life of complacency was saved in equal manner. This is my reminder. This is my kick in the pants.

Let Brotherly Love Continue

I take in the new view from my bedroom window. The bus stop outside is only frequented by one or two people at any given time. Hagley Road is a busy street, but the constant English rain keeps the people indoors. There is a beautiful park that faces the little flat where I'm staying with Drew and Michelle. It has replaced my old view of dorm rooms with its loud inhabitants. I no longer hear the thunder of lightening with the passing storm. It's been replaced with the constant hum of rain pouring down on the street outside. Waking up to sun casting light through my window has become a precious rarity. Instead I wake up to Victoria Rose peering at me through the slates of her crib. She clings to her blanky with one hand as she sucks her thumb with the other.

The days are no longer filled with English lessons and impromptu pizza runs. Evenings no longer hold student activities or prayer meetings. Dear friends are now a Skype call away instead of a five minute walk down the hill. Intimate conversations have been replaced with introductions and the exchange of pleasantries. Familiar bursts of group laughter from the next room are no longer distinguishable. Life has again become foreign.

BUT "let brotherly love continue." These words jump out from the pages of Hebrews where I have been spending my quiet time for the last few months. They resound in my head like a deafening call. I read on... "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow." HE is the same even if my surroundings are not. I can feel my heart crying for the familiarity of yesterday, but God calls me to the responsibilities of today. Tomorrow will bring more change, but God calls me to nevertheless let brotherly love continue. All of the first meetings and pleasantries I have exchanged are all part of God's plan. They may seem to me as strangers, but to God they are tools. They play an important and precious part in my life for the next four months.

As I struggle through these first encounters and waves of culture shock, God guides me through His promise. He never changes. His will is constant. I can have peace because He has laid out every single detail of my life before me. Every bump in the road has a purpose. Every hurdle is an opportunity for me to grow deeper in my love for Him and more constant in my faith.

This blog is appropriately called On a Mission. When I first envisioned what this blog would communicate, I saw a mission filled with new culture and ministry. I saw the world around me changing for all to see. I saw a testimony of obedience that would speak to friends and family.  I envisioned new life experiences that would expand my worldview and increase my knowledge. My future would finally become clear. God would set my path, leading to a form of ministry for Gospel hungry people. But I was blinded by the tangible work in front of me. I was deceived by my own haughty expectations. This mission is not about a collection of experiences to include on a spiritual resume. The mission itself is ME.

If I take a step back and look at the last six months, I see a lot of experiences, a lot of travel. When I look forward to the next six months I see more experiences and more travel. But then what? Do I just carry it around with me so I can relay my stories to others? Does it just end with story telling? No, because that doesn't lead to action. All the experiences in the world doesn't do anyone any good if they don't allow God to work inside them first. If they don't allow God to use their experiences to mold them more in His image then there will be no real change. This trip has shown me that God is changing me as a person, not adding countries to my passport. He is molding ME into the path I'm going to take in the future. I am the path. It's not a collection of people, places and things. It's just me. I don't know where I will be when I get home in six months. But I know I'm not going to step off that plane the same person as I left. And because of that God will use me in His divined will.

So let brotherly love continue no matter where I might be.No matter who I might be ministering with. Let my faith hold fast to the knowledge that God is the same and He will never leave me or forsake me.  The perfecting of my faith has taken another notch of carving into my identity with Christ. To Him be the glory. 

A Week of Firsts

There have been a lot of firsts for me in the last couple of days. I went motorcar racing this week with a bunch of friends from In-life. HELLO! Friends from home, why haven't we done this?! I ended up racing twice, it was so much fun. But because of my competitive nature I also ended up betting one of the most experienced drivers that I would be able to keep up with him on the track... sometimes my big mouth gets me into trouble. I don't know what I was thinking. This guy has been racing motorcars since he was 10 and owns his own motorcycle. But I bet him anyways. If I won then he had to give me a ride on his motorcycle. If he won, I had to bake him some cookies. I figured, if I was going to lose I would at least get to eat some cookie dough (my chocolate chip cookies have been a big hit here).

The first run Laco was a gentleman and allowed me to race ahead of him to start off. But it wasn't long before he butted into my lane and sped away ahead of me. He was half way around the track before I had time to blink. I got a rhythm on the track about half way into it. I figured out when to push down on the gas all the way through a turn and when to balance the gas and break to get around the tighter corners. I learned that fish tailing is fun, but it slows you down. At the end of the race I was proud to find out I didn't finish last! My adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to get back out on the track to better my lap time. I didn't care that my hands and forearms were shaking uncontrollably from holding the wheel so tightly.

An hour later I was racing again. This time I knew the track and my opponents. We all sped off, hitting the gas as hard as we could around the turn. I was able to keep two guys behind me past the first turn.  Three tight turns were coming up, and I knew they would have to hang back until we got through them. I tried to hit the turns as smoothly as I could. Success! I passed one car and was able to keep most of the others behind me. My friend Katka and I battled it out on the next lap. She nearly caused me to crash, but I creeped by her on the inside track. I had a couple frustrated drivers behind me for the rest of the race. They pushed and shoved, but somehow I was able to keep my lead. I finished with a faster lap time, AND with the triumph that Laco wasn't able to pass me on the track. There was a motorcycle ride in my future.

Today was a beautiful day for a motorcycle ride. It was warm and sunny with big, white, puffy clouds that sprinkled the blue sky with magnificent contrast. By the time Laco and I set off the sun was setting. It was that beautiful orange hue that made the green leaves of the trees glow with warmth. Laco went slowly at first, being considerate of the fact that it was my first time on a motorcycle. But as we got out of the city's main streets and onto the winding roads of the countryside he leaned into his handle bars and picked up speed. As I lavished the thrill of racing up and down roads and around corners, I took in the green, rolling hills stretched out on either side of me. We stopped twice. First, at a race track to watch the "experienced" riders at work. Then again as we passed the dam on our way back. We stood by the bank watching hot air balloons stretch across the water.

I think Laco could sense my confidence growing on the bike because we got back to the office quite quickly from the dam. The motorcycle ride seemed to finish before it started, but it's an afternoon that I will always remember. Laco, if you're reading this thank you again for such a great ride. And don't worry, I intend to keep my end of the deal. 

Playing Charades

Charades is a great game. Especially if you play it with people that are willing to risk looking a little foolish to have a bit of fun. Masters of the game know how to contort their bodies and faces into inhuman positions in attempt to resemble whatever it is that is written on their card. The expectant teammates frantically yell out words hoping that one of them will lead to the right answer. Thrill and excitement ensues when someone guesses correctly and part of the puzzle is solved. "Ok, second word... sounds like..." and the game carries on!

When you are prohibited from speaking, communication suddenly becomes a whole different exercise. Have you ever thought what life would be like if communication was limited to hand gestures and a few befuddled noises? Those of you who have ever struggled with language barriers know exactly what I'm talking about. The few words that you know become your lifelines in trying to express the other ten words you want to communicate. When a person talks you have to listen carefully for any fraction of a word that sounds familiar. You focus on hand gestures and body language. A quick roll of the eyes or a slight movement of the hand could give you a clue to the puzzle.

Over the last four months I have become very good at playing this game. I play it constantly when my Czech friends try to explain a new English word to me. They start gesturing with their hands trying to form it's shape in midair. I begin to laugh when they make noises in attempt to imitate its sound. "It's about this big... it has feathers... and sounds like a dying cat..." "Peacock!"

I've noticed the more I play the game the better my observational skills become. I love observing my friends while they are having a conversation in Czech. As I stand by and watch, I can usually figure out what they're talking about. I then love joining the conversation just to see the look on their faces. They stand there looking at me, eyes wide and jaws dropped to the floor. I just look back at them with a playful smile. They now like to test me in my understanding. Just a few days ago I stood in the dining room and observed several people having different discussions around me. After everyone was done talking a friend turned to me and asked what I thought they had talked about. I went from one person to the next describing everyone's conversation. They laughed in amusement and told me to keep up the good work.

I wish God was just as easy to read...

I sometimes see my relationship with God as a big game of Charades. I'm waiting to catch a glimpse of a hand gesture, a flicker of the eye, anything that tells me what direction He has laid out for me. He has given me plenty of signs, I just need to look for them. Exhilaration comes when He gives me confirmation of a right decision. But brokenness is felt when I realize I have made a wrong one.

Bumps in the road are equally hard to face. They might not always be a wrong decision, but it's still hard to accept God's change in direction. I had to face this just last week. God has changed my direction for this trip in a big way. I will be spending four months in England starting in July, and spending less time in Greece. England was nowhere in my plans before I left, but it's now written on my itinerary in bold letters. But God has taught me that with every bad decision and every bump in the road, He is still leading me in the right direction.

God had to take me through the process of accepting this redirection, and it was a bit painful. My sin was unearthed, and I was forced to face it's ugly head with my eyes wide open. There is nothing worse than admitting sin that you have tried hiding behind righteous motives. "I am serving you, Lord. Why can't you let me serve you where I want, and in the way I want?"

While dealing with my sin, I was reminded of a sermon I heard once that was about how we love God. The pastor made a point that I haven't been able to forget. Why do we always try to love God the way we want to be loved? It is like a wife trying to love her husband by sending him a bouquet of her favorite flowers and a box of her favorite chocolates. It sounds ridiculous, but we somehow think we can love God that way. "God, I know the Bible tells me that You are shown love in obedience, but how about I serve a few extra hours in the church instead?" Just as a wife must learn and understand how her husband wants to be loved we must learn how God wants to be loved. That is how we can show Him our true devotion.

I had to recognize my own self-righteousness last week, and love God in obedience. But you know what? God has mercifully given me joy in His new plan. Because that's what it really is. It's His plan. I am merely a traveller on His road. If He wants to take a hard right then I know it's for my own good. I just have to choose to love Him enough to take the turn with Him.